My weight problem is gonna cost someone

Well, I’ve just about had it with all the stories about obese Americans.

It’s time to sue somebody.

Not that I’m obese. Let’s just say that the clothes I can no longer wear are starting to outnumber the ones hanging in the closet that I can. It’s akin to living beyond your means, only it’s living beyond your size.

Like others of my ilk, I don’t give the clothes away because I harbor the dream that one day I will fit into them again.

I don’t know who to sue first, the makers of Hershey almond chocolate bars or the grocer who puts them on sale for four for a dollar.

I love Hershey almond chocolate bars. I have been known to go down to the garage under the house at night when the bear might be out, and get one from the stash where I have hidden them to keep me from eating them because I know it will make me obese.

I have a hard time not buying them when they are three for a dollar, but when they are four for a dollar I would have to be knocked down and carried out by paramedics to keep from picking them up from where they are kept next to the cash register in the checkout line.

Liability here should be about 60 to 40 percent, 60 for the makers of the product and 40 percent for the grocer for tempting me with the price and the location of the bars.

Also, I am contemplating lawsuits against the country of Italy and pasta makers in general. A class-action lawsuit, I think.

I love spaghetti and lasagna. Both are fattening. I remember the pictures of Maria Callas when she used to eat spaghetti and had to give it up to be thin and beautiful.

Since spaghetti is supposed to be practically the national dish of Italy, there’s no way I can leave The Boot out of the lawsuit.

Actually, I like macaroni and cheese even better than spaghetti and lasagna but I don’t know where it originated. Maybe the United States. I’m not sure who I would sue here, but if I include cheese in the lawsuit I’d have to sue Tillamook in Oregon since their sharp cheese is my favorite.

Another defendant to consider is the restaurant that brings you French bread to butter and eat while you wait for your meal. Sometimes, heavenly at times, it’s even warm French bread.

You can’t tell me that isn’t fattening.

I won’t bother suing Olive Garden because they don’t give you butter with the bread sticks. I don’t know if they are being cheap or doing their bit to help Americans avoid obesity. Sometimes when I go there, I sneak a stick of butter in with me.

Much as I hate to do it, I also will have to sue MacNaughton Canadian whiskey-makers. There isn’t a diet printed that doesn’t caution you about the amount of empty calories in booze. I probably would pay more attention to the warning if it wasn’t for that word empty. I choose to take it as a verb instead of an adjective.

I will empty these calories from that glass.

I do squeeze lemon juice in my drinks and I know lemon juice isn’t fattening which eases my conscience a little. I credit lemon juice for the fact I haven’t had a cold for years, that and my refusal to shake hands with anyone during the flu season. I also wash my hands a lot and open and close doors in public place with my hand tucked into my sleeve or in my pocket.

Lack of exercise is cited as a huge factor in obesity rates, but ever since the bear and cub appeared on my deck last month, I speed walk down to the road for the newspapers each morning but I see no results. I’ll just have to sue, I guess.

I’ll keep you informed.

Adele Ferguson can be reached at PO Box 69 Hansville, WA 98340.

We encourage an open exchange of ideas on this story's topic, but we ask you to follow our guidelines for respecting community standards. Personal attacks, inappropriate language, and off-topic comments may be removed, and comment privileges revoked, per our Terms of Use. Please see our FAQ if you have questions or concerns about using Facebook to comment.
blog comments powered by Disqus

Read the Oct 28
Green Edition

Browse the print edition page by page, including stories and ads.

Browse the archives.

Friends to Follow

View All Updates